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Friday, March 13, 2009

be patient, be patient, be patient... our final choice??

as-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Now, let me start by saying there are many wonderful Muslim men who are, and would will be, wonderful husbands to their wives. This post is not about saying all Muslim men are like this... it is about the lack of support women get by some societies when she is with a man who is cruel to her.

I am sooooo angry and sick and tired of hearing "be patient"

Ok, so I don't hear it myself but I read about women being told "be patient" all the time when it comes to problems with their husbands.  Well, they do get the option to speak to their husbands about their issues in a calm manner and to make dua'a that their husbands will change.

I read a fatwa on what to do with a troublesome husband on a forum and most sisters were just automatically saying things like, "Jazakallah khair for this."  But I clearly saw something very wrong with it.

A woman was asking for a fatwa about her situation.  She said her husband is unkind to her, is constantly in a bad mood around her and blames her for it.  When she wants to speak to him he tells her that her talk is stupid.  He is relaxed and joyful around his friends but never with her.

 The fatwa a sister post for her showed daleel on how husbands should treat their wives, and told the wife that she may speak to her husband in a calm manner to ask him to change.  Then she was told she can make dua'a and inshallah her husband would change.  Then she is told it is good she has been patient and that he (the Sheikh who gave the fatwa) advises her to stay with her husband and that if she is patient with him she will be rewarded.

 Those were her options.  There was nothing of the sort that said that she can choose to leave her husband if she wants to. I am not talking about run for divorce right away (well, this would be the best option for certain cases), but what about telling a woman that after trying her best, that if her husband still will not change, then it is ok for her to seek a divorce?

that fatwa is here:

I just found a similar fatwa:

 If you read the question you will see how this husband, who is active in daw'ah, treats his family.  And, it also says he treats his wife the worst of all!!!

 There are hadiths posted in the fatwa about how a Muslim should speak, and how a man is to be with his wife and family...

Then it says:
"The group with whom your father is going out is well known for having and promoting good characteristics, so the basic principle is that he is like that too, and that he fears Allaah. We say to you – if what you say about your father is true – that this is a test, and you have to be patient and pray that Allaah will guide him to the best of attitudes and characteristics.

Patience undoubtedly brings a great reward. His wife must also be patient and put up with her husband’s annoyance, and obey him with regard to that which Allaah has permitted. If he is forbidding her to visit her relatives for a legitimate shar’i reason, then he has the right to do that, but if there is no legitimate reason then she has to obey him, but he is sinning, and the wife will be rewarded in sha Allaah."

Yet again the message is to the wife that she must be patient with how her husband treats her!! ****roll eyes****

for the part I highlighted in red---WHAT?? WTF!!!!!  He is a man PRETENDING to be like the men he is actively in dawah with.  He is who he truly is when he is with his family--those he thinks he can let his guard down with.  He is a man who fears Allah?  Wow...isn't marriage half our deen?  So if you truly fear Allah wouldn't you be working HARD to make sure that your marriage--this half of your deen--is full of good deeds?

The best of men are those who are best to their wives... how can someone who is abusing his wife be given the message that his wife has to always be patient with him regarding his behavior?  Because that is the message men will get when they read fatwas like these.  Sure the hadiths are there that tell a man how he should be with his wife/wives, but ultimately there is an even stronger message to the women to keep being patient, to keep making dua'a, to put up with her husband's cruelty, with no mention whatsoever that she may ultimately seek a divorce.

 Read up on how the husbands are described in both fatwas I gave the links to.  These are ABUSIVE men. yes, ABUSIVE.... just because there are no physical scars it doesn't make verbal/emotional abuse something that is less than physical abuse.

Husbands like these treat women like they should have no say and no mind of their own.
Husbands like these make women feel like they are worthless and weak.
Husbands like these are harmful to women!

We have choices sisters!!  A sister does not have to forever hope her husband will change and have to shut up and put up with it if he never does.   She can choose to leave him and find a man who will give her kindness and never take away her rights.

There is no fear put in men with regards to how they treat their wives by some Muslims. Where are the fatwas that tell a man to fear Allah because he will be asked why he treats his wife/family the way he does.  That his wife who decides to divorce him will have done so because of his actions.  That the breaking up of his family will have been done by him. These are the kinds of messages to help try to get men to see the consequences of their actions.

I mean, the message is always there that we should fear the angels cursing us till morning lest we upset our husbands.  The warnings are there that there will be more women in hell than men because there are many women who are ungrateful to their husbands.

There are too many Muslims giving such an imbalanced view of a husband-wife relationship. it is always emphasized much more for a woman how she can be a good wife, and how she can make her husband happy...while at the same time there is MUCH LESS emphasis on how a man can be a good husband, and how he can make his wife happy.

While discussing these fatwas with my husband, he pointed out that the fatwas are both from major Saudi scholars.  They may want to let women know they have the right to divorce, but at the same time they are still bound by their culture to not cause a huge controversy.  Had these scholars, who are very respected, stated that women have the right to divorce, it surely would have caused an outrage across Saudi Arabia and probably the whole Gulf countries by many men.

I remember a news article in UAE about a shelter for abused women that is run by a woman named Sharla Musabih.  There is strong opposition and effort to get this shelter closed by some men (not any men I know of though)--most likely the men who are doing the abuse.

There is one Sheikh who is VERY negative about this shelter, even accusing it as as cover to traffic women, Astagferallah.  Now, when it comes to abuse, yes, ideally, the family should get involved to help a marriage, But sometimes a man refuses to "allow" his wife to get the family involved, or some families won't help at all, always believing a woman has to shut up and put up and obey her husband no matter what.

This Sheikh I am speaking of actually said(and this was regarding physical abuse), "If every woman hit by her husband is encouraged to rebel, the sanctity of marriage would disappear from society."

Why is it that when people want to make sure women know their full rights, and a woman wants to use her full rights that it is automatically "rebelling"?  It is NOT an act of rebelling Islam if a woman asks for divorce because of her husband's abuse, whether it be physical or mental/emotional.  In many cases, yes, she should be patient and at least try to get her husband to change, but some cases are so extreme women should immediately leave their husbands.

It is truly disgusting to know there are Muslim men who abuse their rights over women.  To take that a wife must obey him into turning it into that he can just control his wife and make her life miserable and she cannot do anything about it.  To make him think he can treat his own mother like gold, but then turn around and treat who would be, or is, the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN like a piece of shit.


  1. Thank you for having the courage to write this Twizzle. All too often I feel that the masjid elders would rather blame the wife particularly if she is a revert. That way they get off the hook from having to actually do counseling or help her retain her rights. What's more sad is that eventually the girl they asked to be patient will need their help. Perhaps a car, some money. The money and help they should be offering to poor Palestinian kids, to unfortunate Afghans. So sad.

    I really don't udnerstand how it ok to treat your wife like crap, but your mother. No, no not her. I get so tired of hearing how great Arab mothers are. You know some in Dubai and I know you see that we're all human at the end of the day dear Twizzle. No mom is better than the other just because she's Arab.

    Sadly, some of these men make their wives sad in their deen. I really hope the Ummah starts to rethink this before they realize that there's a lowered borth rate, lowered amount of money for masjid renovation because of this problem. Love you!

  2. IslamQ&A is a Salafi site, this is typical thinking of them. I think for questions the quran answers there should be no fatwas just follow the verses of the Quran and hadiths plain and simple. there are people out there always trying to complicate Islam, that's not the way Allah intended religion to be.

  3. I read an Ayat in Quran, cant quote the exact text but it meant like : good women for good men and bad women for bad men. Perhaps u know of the actual Ayat. I had talked to a couple of people on this matter and they all seemed to firmly believe the truth of it. But i dont understand what this particular ayat means. because i have known of men unkind and unjust to their wives and sometimes whole family. They are sweet outside but as they step in their homes they are so rude and arrogant and self-righteous.

    SO, does it mean that if some guy is bad to his wife then for the wife it is the test and eventually the man will have to pay for it like eventually he will get a bad woman who will make his life miserable.

    or that women who get treated badly are actually bad or have done something bad in their life, which doesnt make any sense at all.

    Yeah, here i found it :

    Sûrah 24.26.
    Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. Good women are for good men and good men are for good women.

    Confused...perhaps this Ayat was revealed in some particular context ???

    P.s. I personally beleive that instead of living a miserable life for years, one should get out such relationship as soon as possible. But the problem is that in uneducated societies a divorced woman is seen like someone who couldn't keep her earlier Husband/in-laws happy and that she is speculated to be bad as her first husband didnt accept her.

    Society is Cruel .

  4. as-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

    brother Ghufran Ali Quresh, this particular ayat is in reference to teh slandering of Aisha--it is recorded in the hadiths, but it is long so I will post the link:

    scroll down to the section of "A VERY GREAT SLANDER" for the whole thing...

    The whole verse is:

    Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision.

    I read the tafsir ibn kathir and to summarize, this verse is saying that bad people--who say and do bad things, deserve one another and good people deserve one another. for the good people who have been slandered by the vile people, Allah assures them (the good people) He knows they are innocent of the slander.

    it is not about if a man is bad to his wife and later they divorce, that he will end up with a bad wife. there are plenty of men out there who have had more than one marriage and he is bad to all his wives.

    some men do end up having bad wives too... but it is not anything to do with that verse.

    and yes, it is so sad but society can be VERY cruel sometimes. :(

  5. Wa aleikum us sallam wa rehmatullahi wa barakatuh ..

    sis. thanx for ur detailed reply, but i still dont understand. :)

  6. Yes, I agree that emotional abuse is just as bad (or worse) than physical abuse.
    The men should be treating their moms AS WELL as their wives well. :(
    The hadith that says that more women will be in hell b/c they are ungrateful to their husbands doesn't really make sense, as that's not a theme that's in the Qur'an. We are not supposed to be ungrateful to Allah ... by saying women will go to hell for that reason is putting the men in a higher position than women, IMO. Men and women are supposed to be "garments" to one another....

    men need a helping hand
    like proper men need a helping hand
    someone who gets them
    not someone they need to discipline. that is ridiculous.