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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Islamic guide to intimacy by an Emirati woman ends up with death threats against her...

As-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

For this post I do need to add a warning:


Here is the link to the article:

ok, now here is where I wish I was able to speak and read Arabic fluently. I would love to be able to read this book. A local woman named Wedad Lutah has written a book to help women learn about intimacy between married couples from an Islamic point of view.

The book's name is Top Secret (this is the translation, the book is available in Arabic only so far) and she wrote it after working in the courts for over seven years in UAE and finding many women knew nothing about sex, other than it is for reproduction. According to her, some husbands have been sending her death threats because the book has turned their wives against them.

This flippin' pisses me off when there are Muslim women who try to teach, or stand up for womens' rights and she is given death threats by men, or worse, actually killed for it. This is a whole other topic I will have to post about at a later time!!

If this book is indeed from an Islamic perspective, then it is a wonderful thing she is doing for women, Mashallah. I mean, if there are sexually selfish/ignorant (ignorant about female pleasure) men in countries where sex is openly talked about, then I can only imagine that there are going to be even more sexually selfish/ignorant men in countries where it is not. And on top of that, if there are women in more open societies who are too shy/scared to talk about sex with their husbands, than in conservative societies there are probably going to be many many more women who are too shy/afraid to talk about it.

And I know this is true because I have met sisters online who needed advice on intimacy problems. As a woman who is not afraid to talk about sex, I always try my best to give advice to the sisters. For some, the problem is due to the fact that they are way too shy to talk about sex with their husbands, but for others, it is a selfish husband who just doesn't care about giving pleasure to his wife.

One comment about the news story I read is --this person got it either from the book itself, or from somewhere else, but is just one example of a woman not knowing that sex can be enjoyable:

...”Read a case which went to court of a husband suing his wife for divorce on the grounds that he had never seen her naked body in all their married life. Her reply was that God gave her mammary glands for the purpose of feeding her kids and not for him to ogle or play with and reproductive organs for producing kids. After menopause as far as she was concerned there was no need for physical relationship as the reason for her creation was achieved....”

this book may help a woman who thinks like this. The book would also be useful for a woman who knows sex is supposed to feel good, but their husbands only care about their own pleasure so she has never experienced what it could really be like.

I often even wonder about some husbands who end up taking other wives, divorcing, and/or going outside of the marriage for sex because their wives aren't interested in it. I can imagine that some (some, not all) of the cases could be that the wife never knew sex to be pleasurable so she never got the motivation to be excited for it, and eventually completely loathed it.

A wife can loathe intimacy and still give her husband his intimacy rights, but I would think over the course of the disappointments and/or boredom of intimacy she experiences, it would get harder to fake it being fun. A wife may also be thinking that ghusl is a chore (the ghusl after intimacy, or before the next prayer time) because they get nothing out of it. And it would become obvious to him she isn't enjoying it at all. Some husbands might not care as long as he gets what he wants, but others might get annoyed and lose their enjoyment of it. So then the husband starts to want to find excitement, and he starts to look elsewhere......

If I could send a message to any sisters who reads this book, it would be, if you find the book confirms to you that your husband needs to be doing more, do not bring it up by telling him you read this book and then going all out pointing out his faults and criticizing him. Ask him to either read it by himself, or for the two of you to read it together and try to have a discussion on the matter. inshallah you will be able to have better intimacy and become even closer.

If I could send a message to the men that are sending this author the death threats, it would be, get over yourself and don't get all insecure!! pick up, read the book and try to learn something from it instead of thinking you know it all. Read the book together with your wives-- discuss the topics together and give some of the advice a try. Your wife getting excited for intimacy should only result in more fun for you as well!


  1. Asalaamu `alaikum!!

    Subhan Allah... its the words and actions like this that make the Ummah look bad :-S

  2. Wow that sucks. Islam teaches us that it's essential to be intimate in your marriage. I'm not sure if I'm correct but I remember hearing that there is a hadith that says that if a man makes love to his wife, it's as beneficial to them both as if he were to fight jihad.

    I had a friend of Pakistani origin that seriously believed that in Islam it's forbidden for a married couple to see each other's genitals. She was brought up with this cultural concept and even though we showed her proof that that's not the case she is still very reluctant to believe us.

  3. I was reminded of some Muslim women who have never taken off niqaab in front of their husbands! It is really too bad that there are sisters who are ashamed of something so beautiful and completely halal. And since in vitro is off limits, you wonder if their just not having any children period.

    There was an imam that was giving death threats about watching a tv show in the states one time. It was almost like he was saying "Death to the Full House cast" or something along those lines. It's just so silly.

    Twizzle, I've had a hard time commenting on your blog until today. The word verification wasn't working for the longest time.

    I wonder about you a lot. I hope your able to find lots of restaurants in UAE. Personally I could not live without Italian or Mexican food. Not so big on Sushi. i love you and really have appreciated your support!

  4. Asalaamu `alaikum

    You know what Mizz Twizzle... YOU'RE "T" from MSU!!!!! (I won't say your full name in case you don't want everyone to know). OMG!! How did I miss that???

    Subhan Allah -- I only just realized after I saw the link on your siggy!!!

    O_O real slow *LOL*

  5. as-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

    Majda, thanks for commenting. oh that is shocking to hear about people being taught that couples cannot see each others' genitals... I have a feeling that so many women are told "no sex no sex no is dirty etc..." all their lives that after marriage they can't enjoy it because they aren't taught at the same time that it can be a fun and pleasurable thing for a married couple...

    yes, I am T LOL I thought I told you either in a comment on your blog or on MSU... mmm LOL but yes its me :D

    and about your comment before, yes it is actions like these that make the ummah look bad! seriously, in oppressive cultures (which I was shocked the death threats happend here in UAE because I wouldn't include it as a oppressive culture) I have read about too many times how a woman, or group of women who were fighting for their rights and they were threatened with torture and murder and also too many times read how a woman was murdered. it sickens me! La howla wala quwata illa billah.

    thank you so much for visiting my blog! I have not been online so much this week and I need to catch up on reading your blog and some others!

    I have never heard of women wearing niqab in front of their husbands!! that is truly shocking!!!

    and about the fatwa about the American TV show...oh it happened over here too... with the new Turkish dramas dubbed into English... I might make a post on it inshallah later...

    sorry about the word verification..I think I'll take it down for now... ha ha ha until and if I get a bigger audience on my blog inshallah.

    ok, gotta go reading!

  6. SubhanaAllah people making death threats simply because the author discusses intimacy from an ISLAMIC perspective?!! That is shocking! From the way the people reacted, you'd think she wrote a porn book Astagfirullah!!

    The women of the Ansar(May Allah be pleased with them) were never shy to ask the Noble Prophet(May Allah's Peace & Blessings be upon him) about intimate issues. 'A'ishah (radhiAllahu anha) attested to this fact.

    It makes me wonder what is happening to our Ummah when we refuse to discuss issues which the companions of the Prophet(May Allah's Peace & Blessings be upon him)addressed!

  7. This is really sad that these woman are being robbed of enjoying something that is such a beautiful part of the relationship between a man and his wife. From what Sr. Sacrifice4Allah ended with, It reminded me of a hadith:

    Aa'isha (peace be upon her) said: "How excellent the women of the Ansaar were! Modesty and shame did not prevent them from gaining an understanding of Islam.

    To add to that, our Prophet was never shy talking about questions relating to sexual relations, as that was of course the concern of the early Muslims as to approach things in the best way. After reading this, I searched the word "sex" in this hadith software that I have and ma'sha'allah, the Prophet mentioned so many things for us to be guided by when it came to such matters - about bathing after a sexual dream for example. Islam gives rights to both partners - so that both husband and wife take pleasure from each other in so many ways, though of course, there are limits which I'm sure you are aware of.
    I hope that men do give their wives their rights and communicate with them on this issue - as you said, it will result in more fun for the wife and that is how Allah intended it. From a scientific and biological stand point, we have parts that have certain function (to sense touch, etc) and so, if both men and women were given these, then there must be a purpose behind them, as Allah (swt) Created us and Knows what is best for us.
    Also, another beautiful thing about intercourse between a married couple is that we get rewarded for it (in another hadith) as we have done something lawful and not gone outside of marriage (though I know men do this, as you mentioned) to satisfy our needs.
    I do hope this book and other proper sources help women get educated, as it will help marriages be stronger and last - after all divorce rates within the Ummah are increasing, though I know there are many reason behind this trend.
    Anyways, those are just my thoughts - from a single guy, no less! :-P

  8. oh dear, this is like a year late sis Sacrifice4Allah, sorry I didn't reply to you-- yes, people are reacting as if she is writing pornography!

    MuslimFirst, yes, intimacy with a married couple should be a beautiful thing (and yes, I know the limits). There is a lot of shyness at the beginning of course but if a couple will only take the time to communicate with each other about intimacy, throughput their years together they can keep the intimate part of their marriage awake.

    you have a great head on your shoulders brother MuslimFirst! you are going to be a wonderful husband!! inshallah :D

  9. Aww, that's sweet Sis. I have to admit though, it's the beginning shyness that I'm not looking forward to . . but I know it's only natural and again, it's all halal. I think the stuff I said above is more from a medical stand point really and it's easy to say, but again, I'm very nervous and apprehensive about the real thing. Thankfully, unlike with premarital relations and "hopping around," what happens between a husband and wife stays that way and is not broadcast to others - which is very common of course, when everyone has multiple partners where many of them know each other, thus making way for personal things being shared with so many people.
    Again, thanks for the compliment, but I think we will have to wait and see when the time comes to really know if this head is really "with it" and screwed on the right way.

  10. brother MuslimFirst... yes you will have the shy and awkward times at first... but in your case you will get to both be shy and awkward about it together. :)

  11. :-) That's true. Thanks though, it's nice to actually hear that from someone who's married, without the awkwardness. I was easily able to talk about topics like this with my dad (passed away in 2001), though this specific never came up ,but of course, when I hit my teen years, he was very open and understanding ma'sha'allah. It would have been nice to have him around if/when time for marriage comes around. My mom is great though too, being a doctor and understanding on a personal level as well - not to mention her own desire to get me settled (in a selfish way of course, so she can retire and live the rest of her life in peace!).
    Again, thanks so much Sis - so glad that I "found" you and Sis Texan (or did you guys find me? lol). I was just wondering though, it seems like I wouldn't be able to talk about this with a South Asian Sister (Indo-Pak) who was blogging, even though we would have the same background, but again, I don't think there is any reason to be shy talking about it, as it's mentioned elsewhere on your blog, that the people at the Prophet's time were always wanting to learn how to do things the halal way. I think it's just a touchy topic in our culture. I mean, as long as it is dealt with sensitively, it's fine. On that note, I do hope that part of Islamonline isn't taken away if/when they come back, I was able to learn a lot from the open questions that people asked in this regard.
    OK, didn't mean to ramble on like this . . take care and lots of love from your lil bro. :X

  12. " seems like I wouldn't be able to talk about this with a South Asian Sister (Indo-Pak) who was blogging, even though we would have the same background..."

    well, you know, there could be several reasons why...

    like maybe because y'all would be from the same background she would think "oh, what would he think of me if I talk about this subject?" assuming a man would automatically label her as loose.

    also, the sister blogger would have worries that either a family member, or someone who knows her and her family will find out she is writing about the subject online and she will be in trouble with them.

    another thing is there are people who grow up in liberal countries (where sex can be talked about openly) who have shyness talking about it. So I think even more people who are brought up conservatively will be even more shy about it.

    I am sorry about your father's passing (I read about it on your blog) and inshallah your mother will always have her children to be her companions (I don't know how many siblings you have)

    wow, I read on Texan's blog post that your father was a doctor and your mother is too? wow MashaAllah :) that must have been a challenge to balance work and family life as doctors have hectic schedules, no?

    by the way, I believe I was the one that "found you" from another sister's blog who linked to one of your blog posts :)

  13. Yes, you're right Sis, on all points.

    Well Sis, I'm an only child, so it's very hard for my mom. This year, especially, as I decided not to go home for the winter holidays.

    Yup, mom is an anesthesiologist. Ma'sha'allah. So yeah, they only had me to raise, but I'm sure it was hard still. One reason I adore my sisters (in real life and online) is that I wish i had one or two of my own, but it is Allah's Will. Maybe that's why he gave me many cousin-sisters that are close to me, even if not in the same country (India, Pakistan).

    Ah, that's right, Sr. Amira linked to me.

    Ok, promise, last comment on this post. :-)

    PS Thanks for putting up my blog on your list! I actually will probably stop blogging for a while. Really need to focus these next few months.

  14. Askum. menopause is the time for muslima to improve the quality of serving Allah. Nice blog, I added u in my link, would u add me too. Thanx. wassalam